You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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