if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
