"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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