Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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