So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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