my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
