i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
