I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
