Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Randomize
