Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I want to fling myself into the sun
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Someone signed my nipple.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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