ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
