I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
