if i can run in heels then i can drive
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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