OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i came on her dog
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
