im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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