If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Two words: blizzard sex
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
