Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
