thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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