I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??