why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.