Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts