I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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