First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
