Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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