Just fell off a train. Bad.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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