this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
