I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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