I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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