At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
