I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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