The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
