He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
