he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
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My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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