so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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