is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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