If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
