You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
