Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
