Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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