as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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