Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
