I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
