Acid is not a monday night drug
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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