i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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