I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
