If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
