I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
