cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
