I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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