omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Michael Bay diarrhea
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
