even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
