barbara walters just said penis...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
