If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
