Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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