I think im going to throw up on grandma
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
