Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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