you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
