I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
